The other day I was chatting with two of my coworkers. One is a self-described "cafeteria Catholic" who picks and chooses from the Catholic dogma - she attends mass every week and had her kids baptized, but also supports gay marriage and birth control. The other is a lapsed Catholic who I'm pretty sure is either agnostic or atheist, but I'm not entirely sure.
Anyway, I'm not sure how this story came up, but my cafeteria Catholic friend told us a story that floored us. Her brother, she said, has fallen away from the church. He no longer attends at all, and didn't have his kids baptized. She said that she was talking to her mom about this at one point when her mother said confidently, "Oh, those kids have been baptized." Um, what?
Turns out, her mom (the kids' grandma) did an unofficial at-home baptism of the kids one time when she was babysitting them.
WHAAAAAAAT?!?!?
My coworker said that she is never planning on telling her brother or his wife about this because they would be furious. And I wouldn't blame them! My other coworker and I were just floored. I would be livid if one of my relatives did something like that! It's completely disrespectful of me as a person, and of my parenting choices. I was getting really angry just thinking about it!
What was really funny about it, though, to me was when I shared that story at a Freethinking Females meetup I went to that night. The other women there - atheists every one, and many of them moms - laughed and laughed! Who cares?, they said. It's not as if it actually DOES anything. It's not like she was taking the kids to church or something - a little sprinkling of water doesn't actually do anything other than maybe make their foreheads a little cleaner.
Huh. That wasn't a position I'd considered... maybe it's not actually worth getting all fired up over. On further reflection, though, I'm not sure. To me, it's still a very disrespectful gesture - it completely disregards the choices I've made for my life and for my children. It also seems like it could be inching towards a slippery slope... today a DIY baptism, tomorrow Sunday School, and who knows where it goes from there.
In the end, I feel that religion is pervasive enough in our society. I definitely don't need to let it make any more inroads into my life... or my children's lives.
And for the record, if anyone does try to baptize my kids? There will be hell to pay!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
Take a survey for science!
I got the following in my email yesterday... so I thought I'd share it here!
Subject: Invitation to participate in Ph.D. research into atheism
We invite you to participate in a survey unique to atheists and other
non-religious people (i.e., those who do not believe in god(s)). This survey is being conducted by a Ph.D. student at the University of Nevada, Reno with the assistance of Atheist Alliance International (AAI). This survey intends to understand your experiences as an atheist, including your involvement (if any) with secular organizations and your perceptions of discrimination and prejudice (if any) against you as an atheist.
We aim to increase awareness of atheists and other non-religious people by publishing resultant work in academic journals and other outlets (such as AAI’s Secular World magazine).
Participation in this survey is voluntary and anonymous. Your responses will be combined with others, and no personally identifying information will be recorded. Your honest and complete answers are crucial to making sure survey results accurately represent the experiences of atheists. The survey will take approximately 15-20 minutes to complete, and will remain open until 27 March 2013.
To participate in this survey, or to learn more about this study, simply click the link below:
http://unrcfr.us.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_3QlZZFokgDdWBTf
If the link does not function properly, please copy and paste the link into your web address bar.
If you have additional questions before or after your participation, please e-mail Michael J. Doane at mdoane@unr.edu.
Feel free to share this link with other people who might be interested in participating in this survey for atheists and other non-religious people.
Thank you in advance!
Michael J. Doane, B.A. Carlos A. Diaz
Principal Investigator
President, Atheist Alliance International
Marta Elliott, Ph.D.
Faculty Advisor
I took the survey - it didn't take that long to complete, not much more than 10 minutes. I think it's worthwhile... there are so many stereotypes and just flat wrong ideas out there about atheists - that we're angry at god, we have no joy, there's no meaning in our lives, etc. It'd be nice to see some research out there that shows that those stereotypes don't hold true.
So go ahead... take the survey. For science!
Subject: Invitation to participate in Ph.D. research into atheism
We invite you to participate in a survey unique to atheists and other
non-religious people (i.e., those who do not believe in god(s)). This survey is being conducted by a Ph.D. student at the University of Nevada, Reno with the assistance of Atheist Alliance International (AAI). This survey intends to understand your experiences as an atheist, including your involvement (if any) with secular organizations and your perceptions of discrimination and prejudice (if any) against you as an atheist.
We aim to increase awareness of atheists and other non-religious people by publishing resultant work in academic journals and other outlets (such as AAI’s Secular World magazine).
Participation in this survey is voluntary and anonymous. Your responses will be combined with others, and no personally identifying information will be recorded. Your honest and complete answers are crucial to making sure survey results accurately represent the experiences of atheists. The survey will take approximately 15-20 minutes to complete, and will remain open until 27 March 2013.
To participate in this survey, or to learn more about this study, simply click the link below:
http://unrcfr.us.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_3QlZZFokgDdWBTf
If the link does not function properly, please copy and paste the link into your web address bar.
If you have additional questions before or after your participation, please e-mail Michael J. Doane at mdoane@unr.edu.
Feel free to share this link with other people who might be interested in participating in this survey for atheists and other non-religious people.
Thank you in advance!
Michael J. Doane, B.A. Carlos A. Diaz
Principal Investigator
President, Atheist Alliance International
Marta Elliott, Ph.D.
Faculty Advisor
I took the survey - it didn't take that long to complete, not much more than 10 minutes. I think it's worthwhile... there are so many stereotypes and just flat wrong ideas out there about atheists - that we're angry at god, we have no joy, there's no meaning in our lives, etc. It'd be nice to see some research out there that shows that those stereotypes don't hold true.
So go ahead... take the survey. For science!
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Parenting books
I thought I'd give some short reviews of pregnancy and parenting books I've read, recently and not-so-recently. (All links are to amazon.com, but aren't affiliate links... no referrals or kickbacks here!). There are so many books out there aimed at parents and parents-to-be; as with so many things it can be hard to wade through the woo to find information that's actually worthwhile!
Please note: I'm a parent, not a doctor. These are just my opinions. Please share yours in the comments!
Pregnancy:
What to Expect When You're Expecting: This is the classic pregnancy book. It's been around for years and years, and is probably one of the more popular books out there, if my parent friends are anything to judge by. It tracks the fetal development on a month-by-month basis, and is pretty thorough. Unfortunately, it also tracks the potential developmental mishaps and errors month-by-month, too. I also remember it being very prescriptive about the right way to do things - the right pregnancy diet, the right amount of exercise, etc. I had an earlier edition, so perhaps this has gotten better in later editions. Overall, I found it informative, but also irritiating and anxiety-provoking.
If you don't get a copy at your baby shower, you can probably either borrow it from a friend or find it used. I don't know if I'd buy it new.
Your Pregnancy Week by Week: Similar to What to Expect, but on a weekly basis instead of monthly. More emphasis on fetal development (yay!). I enjoyed reading this one weekly. I remember this one being less prescriptive and lighter in tone than WTEWYE.
For what it's worth, it's been years since I read either of those. I only read pregnancy books during my first pregnancy. During my second pregnancy, when I already had a toddler running around, there just wasn't as much time for gazing at my ever-expanding navel.
Infancy:
The Nursing Mother's Companion: I mostly read this one while I was nursing. It was useful for figuring out different holds when the baby would get fussy. I had a pretty easy time with breastfeeding, though, so I probably didn't need it. I had friends who really struggled to get breastfeeding going, though, and found it useful. Secondhand anecdata, for what it's worth!
The Dr. Sears Baby Book: hoo boy. This one was a gift from a friend with an older child, who's VERY into attachment parenting ("AP"). If you're not familiar with the term, the book's blurb describes AP as "a gentle, reasonable approach to parenting that stresses bonding with your baby, responding to her cues, breastfeeding, "wearing" your baby, and sharing sleep with your child." The blurb also says that "the Searses acknowledge that there is no one way to parent a baby," but that wasn't my experience with this book. My husband and I read it, internalized it, and then felt like failures when our daughter was clearly Not. Happy. with some of the AP practices we were trying to follow. Plus, hello! I am the primary wage-earner in our family; I couldn't wear the baby in a wrap and breastfeed on demand all day long; I had to go to work.
There's some good medical information here (like medicine dosages and the like), but it's mixed in with a healthy dose of working-parent guilt. Take it with a grain of salt.
Baby 411: LOVED this book! Very informative, very easy to use, written by a pediatrician (hooray!). My favorite section was in the back: a list of common ailments/issues, like fever, animal bites, rash, vomiting, etc. Each lists symptoms broken out into three categories: 1. watch/wait, 2. see the pediatrician tomorrow, or 3. go to urgent care/E.R. Super, super useful. I highly recommend this one.
Older Kids:
Louise Bates Ames' series (Your Two Year Old, Your Three Year Old, etc.): I like these books. They're short and sweet, and describe the 'typical' developmental milestones that take place, year by year. Plus, they have some hilariously apt titles. My favorite is Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy, which may seem harsh if you don't know any three year olds. :)
The Whole Brain Child: subtitled "12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind," this book is FANTASTIC. Written by a neuropsychiatrist, it's probably one of the best developmental books I've read. It takes the ideas in Thinking, Fast and Slow, simplifies them, and applies them to parenting. I highly recommend this book. It's useful for both understanding and parenting your child, helping your child understand herself, and understanding yourself as well. Seriously, all the thumbs are up for this book.
Parenting from the Inside Out: by the same author as The Whole Brain Child, I actually didn't like this one quite as much. It falls more into the self-help category - it's aimed at parents, but with the idea of understanding yourself better so as to be a better parent. Which is not to say that it's a bad goal! I just wasn't expecting a self-help book in the guise of a parenting book, you know? Solid advice, though.
Freeing Your Child From Anxiety: Finally, one of my new ZOMG THIS IS THE MOST USEFUL books. One of my children has some anxiety issues, and this has been really helpful for me.
The author (Dr. Tamar Chansky) is a licensed psychologist and the founder of the Children's and Adults' Center for OCD and Anxiety. She gives useful information that parents can use to determine whether or not their child's anxiety is normal, and provides tools parents can use to help their child overcome that anxiety. She also discusses treatments such as CBT and medication, and when they're effective and when they are not. The information is presented clearly and non-judgmentally, and is easily accessible even to a layperson like me. Really, really great stuff here.
So! Those are some of the parenting books I've read. Let me know your thoughts on these, and any of your other favorites or not-so-favorites!
Please note: I'm a parent, not a doctor. These are just my opinions. Please share yours in the comments!
Pregnancy:
What to Expect When You're Expecting: This is the classic pregnancy book. It's been around for years and years, and is probably one of the more popular books out there, if my parent friends are anything to judge by. It tracks the fetal development on a month-by-month basis, and is pretty thorough. Unfortunately, it also tracks the potential developmental mishaps and errors month-by-month, too. I also remember it being very prescriptive about the right way to do things - the right pregnancy diet, the right amount of exercise, etc. I had an earlier edition, so perhaps this has gotten better in later editions. Overall, I found it informative, but also irritiating and anxiety-provoking.
If you don't get a copy at your baby shower, you can probably either borrow it from a friend or find it used. I don't know if I'd buy it new.
Your Pregnancy Week by Week: Similar to What to Expect, but on a weekly basis instead of monthly. More emphasis on fetal development (yay!). I enjoyed reading this one weekly. I remember this one being less prescriptive and lighter in tone than WTEWYE.
For what it's worth, it's been years since I read either of those. I only read pregnancy books during my first pregnancy. During my second pregnancy, when I already had a toddler running around, there just wasn't as much time for gazing at my ever-expanding navel.
Infancy:
The Nursing Mother's Companion: I mostly read this one while I was nursing. It was useful for figuring out different holds when the baby would get fussy. I had a pretty easy time with breastfeeding, though, so I probably didn't need it. I had friends who really struggled to get breastfeeding going, though, and found it useful. Secondhand anecdata, for what it's worth!
The Dr. Sears Baby Book: hoo boy. This one was a gift from a friend with an older child, who's VERY into attachment parenting ("AP"). If you're not familiar with the term, the book's blurb describes AP as "a gentle, reasonable approach to parenting that stresses bonding with your baby, responding to her cues, breastfeeding, "wearing" your baby, and sharing sleep with your child." The blurb also says that "the Searses acknowledge that there is no one way to parent a baby," but that wasn't my experience with this book. My husband and I read it, internalized it, and then felt like failures when our daughter was clearly Not. Happy. with some of the AP practices we were trying to follow. Plus, hello! I am the primary wage-earner in our family; I couldn't wear the baby in a wrap and breastfeed on demand all day long; I had to go to work.
There's some good medical information here (like medicine dosages and the like), but it's mixed in with a healthy dose of working-parent guilt. Take it with a grain of salt.
Baby 411: LOVED this book! Very informative, very easy to use, written by a pediatrician (hooray!). My favorite section was in the back: a list of common ailments/issues, like fever, animal bites, rash, vomiting, etc. Each lists symptoms broken out into three categories: 1. watch/wait, 2. see the pediatrician tomorrow, or 3. go to urgent care/E.R. Super, super useful. I highly recommend this one.
Older Kids:
Louise Bates Ames' series (Your Two Year Old, Your Three Year Old, etc.): I like these books. They're short and sweet, and describe the 'typical' developmental milestones that take place, year by year. Plus, they have some hilariously apt titles. My favorite is Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy, which may seem harsh if you don't know any three year olds. :)
The Whole Brain Child: subtitled "12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind," this book is FANTASTIC. Written by a neuropsychiatrist, it's probably one of the best developmental books I've read. It takes the ideas in Thinking, Fast and Slow, simplifies them, and applies them to parenting. I highly recommend this book. It's useful for both understanding and parenting your child, helping your child understand herself, and understanding yourself as well. Seriously, all the thumbs are up for this book.
Parenting from the Inside Out: by the same author as The Whole Brain Child, I actually didn't like this one quite as much. It falls more into the self-help category - it's aimed at parents, but with the idea of understanding yourself better so as to be a better parent. Which is not to say that it's a bad goal! I just wasn't expecting a self-help book in the guise of a parenting book, you know? Solid advice, though.
Freeing Your Child From Anxiety: Finally, one of my new ZOMG THIS IS THE MOST USEFUL books. One of my children has some anxiety issues, and this has been really helpful for me.
The author (Dr. Tamar Chansky) is a licensed psychologist and the founder of the Children's and Adults' Center for OCD and Anxiety. She gives useful information that parents can use to determine whether or not their child's anxiety is normal, and provides tools parents can use to help their child overcome that anxiety. She also discusses treatments such as CBT and medication, and when they're effective and when they are not. The information is presented clearly and non-judgmentally, and is easily accessible even to a layperson like me. Really, really great stuff here.
So! Those are some of the parenting books I've read. Let me know your thoughts on these, and any of your other favorites or not-so-favorites!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Happy Darwin Day!
Today would be Charles Darwin's 200th birthday. Happy birthday!
Over the weekend, Minnesota Atheists had a kid-friendly meetup at the Science Museum of Minnesota to celebrate Darwin Day. I wanted to go! Sadly, we already had conflicting plans... but we had fun, too.
Instead of the Science Museum, the girls and I were at the Minnesota Zoo, where they were taking a class on penguins! This was the first time they've gone to a class there, and I highly recommend it. The girls had a blast, learned a lot, and can't wait to do another one. The zoo offers classes for kids (including summer camps for school-aged kids), families, and adults - check it out!
Because the penguin class was kids-only, I had two hours of kid-free time at the zoo! It was great... I really love the zoo, but am usually distracted by my children and don't get to linger. So this was a rare opportunity for me! Because Darwin Day was on my mind, I ended up really marveling at the strange and beautiful diversity of life.
Over the weekend, Minnesota Atheists had a kid-friendly meetup at the Science Museum of Minnesota to celebrate Darwin Day. I wanted to go! Sadly, we already had conflicting plans... but we had fun, too.
Instead of the Science Museum, the girls and I were at the Minnesota Zoo, where they were taking a class on penguins! This was the first time they've gone to a class there, and I highly recommend it. The girls had a blast, learned a lot, and can't wait to do another one. The zoo offers classes for kids (including summer camps for school-aged kids), families, and adults - check it out!
Because the penguin class was kids-only, I had two hours of kid-free time at the zoo! It was great... I really love the zoo, but am usually distracted by my children and don't get to linger. So this was a rare opportunity for me! Because Darwin Day was on my mind, I ended up really marveling at the strange and beautiful diversity of life.
These weedy sea dragons always amaze me... the exhibit notes say that they are so fragile that they can be damaged just from the touch of a human hand. They're beautiful - I love watching them slowly drifting along.
This colobus monkey was taking a little nap on a log right next to the window. So relaxed and peaceful. I loved being able to see him up close like that.
This curious little guy is a prehensile-tailed (or Solomon Islands) skink! He was the subject of a "meet a reptile" demonstration. You can't see it here, but his tail is really amazing. I learned that this is just about the only type of skink that is a herbivore - most of the other species are omniverous and their diets include insects. The zookeeper holding the skink said that they feed it leaves of a type of plant (I forget the name...) that's actually poisonous to many other animals. But this skink can handle it!
I saw so many other animals in those two hours... lionfish, penguins, a shark, coyotes, a sea turtle, black bears, eels, flamingos, wolverines, dwarf cuttlefish... at the end of my time, I was left awestruck at the the diversity of life that's evolved and survived on earth.
Oh, and don't forget about pandas and spiders!
Life is strange and weird and beautiful. :)
Happy Darwin Day!
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Fandom, geekery, and self-confidence
I've been thinking recently about my various forms of nerdery, and why I feel so strongly about passing it on to my daughters. For the record, I'm a fan of Doctor Who, Star Wars, and various Marvel comics. Not so much with Star Trek or DC, except for Wonder Woman. I loooooove Wonder Woman (naturally).
I've been encouraging the girls' interest in these things. Right now they both really like Star Wars and the Super Hero Squad. My older daughter is also getting in to Transformers, and is watching a show called Rescue Bots. They also both like Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers (blech!).
My husband has asked me a couple of times why I'm encouraging the girls so strongly to get into this kind of nerdery. Not that he minds, mind you - he likes these things too! But he's more of the mind to let them discover things on their own and develop their own interests, instead of nudging them in one direction or another.
As I thought about that question, I thought of the women I know who self-identify as geeky. And you know, they're pretty cool people. They have their interests, and they own them... celebrate them, even, with things like cosplay and conventions and fan art... regardless of what anyone else might think. And to be honest, my geeky guy friends are the same way. These people are happy with their interests and who they are.
And if my girls can grow up with that kind of self-confidence, then that is a really cool way to be.
I've been encouraging the girls' interest in these things. Right now they both really like Star Wars and the Super Hero Squad. My older daughter is also getting in to Transformers, and is watching a show called Rescue Bots. They also both like Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers (blech!).
My husband has asked me a couple of times why I'm encouraging the girls so strongly to get into this kind of nerdery. Not that he minds, mind you - he likes these things too! But he's more of the mind to let them discover things on their own and develop their own interests, instead of nudging them in one direction or another.
As I thought about that question, I thought of the women I know who self-identify as geeky. And you know, they're pretty cool people. They have their interests, and they own them... celebrate them, even, with things like cosplay and conventions and fan art... regardless of what anyone else might think. And to be honest, my geeky guy friends are the same way. These people are happy with their interests and who they are.
And if my girls can grow up with that kind of self-confidence, then that is a really cool way to be.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Reading list
Just a few notes on books I've read lately...
I recently finished Atheist Voices of Minnesota, a collection of personal essays by atheists from, or living in, Minnesota. They're varying quality (as is to be expected), but by and large, really well written. I don't know if they had an editor working overtime, or if we just are great writers, as a whole. But either way, I really recommend this. I'll be going back to it time after time.
And I just started Joseph Anton: a Memoir, Salman Rushdie's account of his years in hiding following the issuance of the fatwa. I'm nowhere near done with it but so far, I absolutely love it. I really enjoy Rushdie's writing, and this is no exception. It's also an interesting meditation on just how much religion has influenced Rushdie, an atheist - both in his writing, then through the fatwa that caused him to spend years in hiding, fearing for his life.
So there you go - two books, two thumbs up!
I recently finished Atheist Voices of Minnesota, a collection of personal essays by atheists from, or living in, Minnesota. They're varying quality (as is to be expected), but by and large, really well written. I don't know if they had an editor working overtime, or if we just are great writers, as a whole. But either way, I really recommend this. I'll be going back to it time after time.
And I just started Joseph Anton: a Memoir, Salman Rushdie's account of his years in hiding following the issuance of the fatwa. I'm nowhere near done with it but so far, I absolutely love it. I really enjoy Rushdie's writing, and this is no exception. It's also an interesting meditation on just how much religion has influenced Rushdie, an atheist - both in his writing, then through the fatwa that caused him to spend years in hiding, fearing for his life.
So there you go - two books, two thumbs up!
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Your Health Care Needs Are Met.
Spotted this sign on the way to work this morning...
It reads: "Your health care needs are met here! ***Science & Health*** Quickly, clean, affordable, safe, lasting - customed to your life!"
I'm sure you're wondering where this was - a doctor's office? Pharmacy? Clinic? No...
This was in the window of a Christian Science Reading Room. Oh, Christian Science, with your wacky tales of people who prayed away their underbites without orthodontia.
If only your followers didn't refuse to treat their children's illnesses, allowing needless suffering and death. It'd almost be sweet, this faith in the power of prayer.
Yeah, too bad.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Talking About Religion
I've found in hanging out with atheists, in real life and online, the question of "how to talk to your kids about religion" comes up a lot. It's popped up at a Freethinking Females meetup I went to, in my online moms community, on the awesome Atheist Plus forum, and even in my book club (Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret was our selection)!
There are a lot of different ways that atheist parents have handled the "religion question." When my older daughter asked us what a church was, my husband explained that "some people believe in magic! And a church is where they go to talk about it. But we don't believe in magic, do we?" Children: Noooooo! "Right, we know that magic is just pretend. So we don't go to church." The kids have watched movies and TV shows with magic, so it was an easy parallel to draw. Magic is in the same category as ghosts, witches, and some other things I can't think of right now: fun to pretend sometimes, but not real.
One of the more common answers I've seen, though, puts the question back to the child: Some people believe X, some people believe Y, I believe Z, what do you think? And I have to say... I really disagree with this approach.
My feelings on this are probably influenced by my kids' ages - the older just started Kindergarten, so they're pretty little yet. They don't have a whole lot of critical thinking skills yet, and didn't pick up much formal logic in preschool. So when they ask me a question - it's my job, as a parent, to give them the best answer I can. And since I have gone through the work of reading about different religions, learning about history and biology and evolution, and putting my best efforts into this... why wouldn't I tell them that Daddy and I don't believe in gods? That some people do, but we think they're wrong? Framing it as "some people think X" minimizes the importance of the question, makes it a matter of opinion, and obscures the fact that religion really does present truth claims. It isn't a matter of opinion that you can have light-hearted little jokes about, like whether mushrooms are delicious or taste like dirt. This is important.
The other reason I happily tell my kids that we don't believe in magic is because religious people certainly have NO problem indoctrinating their children. Infants are baptized or circumcized, small children to go Sunday School and learn prayers, older children are catchecized, given First Communion, confirmed, and bar or bat mitzvahed. My Catholic co-worker isn't telling her kids "I believe all of this... but you think about it and tell me what you think." She's just taking them to mass every week.
So that's why we answered the religion question with a resounding "not real!", and I'd encourage other atheist parents to do the same. I'd be interested in hearing other people's thoughts on the matter - how you addressed it with your kids or young people in your life, if you have any, or how your parents addressed it with you!
There are a lot of different ways that atheist parents have handled the "religion question." When my older daughter asked us what a church was, my husband explained that "some people believe in magic! And a church is where they go to talk about it. But we don't believe in magic, do we?" Children: Noooooo! "Right, we know that magic is just pretend. So we don't go to church." The kids have watched movies and TV shows with magic, so it was an easy parallel to draw. Magic is in the same category as ghosts, witches, and some other things I can't think of right now: fun to pretend sometimes, but not real.
One of the more common answers I've seen, though, puts the question back to the child: Some people believe X, some people believe Y, I believe Z, what do you think? And I have to say... I really disagree with this approach.
My feelings on this are probably influenced by my kids' ages - the older just started Kindergarten, so they're pretty little yet. They don't have a whole lot of critical thinking skills yet, and didn't pick up much formal logic in preschool. So when they ask me a question - it's my job, as a parent, to give them the best answer I can. And since I have gone through the work of reading about different religions, learning about history and biology and evolution, and putting my best efforts into this... why wouldn't I tell them that Daddy and I don't believe in gods? That some people do, but we think they're wrong? Framing it as "some people think X" minimizes the importance of the question, makes it a matter of opinion, and obscures the fact that religion really does present truth claims. It isn't a matter of opinion that you can have light-hearted little jokes about, like whether mushrooms are delicious or taste like dirt. This is important.
The other reason I happily tell my kids that we don't believe in magic is because religious people certainly have NO problem indoctrinating their children. Infants are baptized or circumcized, small children to go Sunday School and learn prayers, older children are catchecized, given First Communion, confirmed, and bar or bat mitzvahed. My Catholic co-worker isn't telling her kids "I believe all of this... but you think about it and tell me what you think." She's just taking them to mass every week.
So that's why we answered the religion question with a resounding "not real!", and I'd encourage other atheist parents to do the same. I'd be interested in hearing other people's thoughts on the matter - how you addressed it with your kids or young people in your life, if you have any, or how your parents addressed it with you!
Thursday, September 6, 2012
School days begin...
My older daughter just started school - kindergarten. She's enjoying riding the bus, meeting new people, all the usual kindergarten things. I can't believe she's so big already... lolsob!
She was in preschool for the last few years, but her kindergarten is very different. Her preschool was pretty homogenous - some racial diversity, a few same-sex parents, but overall solidly middle- to upper-middle-class families. Most families had a parent (or two, even!) who was a professional of some sort (doctor, lawyer, engineer, etc.); many had a parent who didn't work outside the home. These were kids whose parents went to college, and who'd be going to college themselves. This isn't a fault of the school - we loved it. It just wasn't a very diverse community in that respect.
Her current school is completely different. Where the preschool was small (maybe 150 kids, prek-6th), her current school is large (almost 900 kids, k-8). More than 20% of the students are English language learners, who speak Spanish, Hmong, and Oromo in their homes. White students (like my daughter) make up less than 50% of the student body.
I am very happy that we're part of such a diverse school community. After all, if I wanted my kids to grow up with people who looked exactly like them, we'd move to the suburbs or something instead of living in the middle of a city. I myself grew up in a small town where "ethnic diversity" was Germans, Italians, Swedes, and Czechs, and I am glad that my children will have the exposure to diversity that I did not.
The only thing that I'm not looking forward to discussing is (you guessed it!) - religious expression. There's a fairly large number of Somali students at this school, who are mostly Muslim. The boys don't generally dress any differently, but the girls I've noticed tend to dress conservatively. Long sleeves, long skirts, and headscarves.
Although we've discussed religion before with our girls (in broad terms, when asked questions like "what's a church?"), religious expressions like Muslim headscarves haven't come up. I'm not sure how I'll explain it, if asked, given my own feelings on the subject, which are colored by the explanation I've heard from a former colleague who's Muslim: women dress modestly so that men will take them seriously, listening to their thoughts and words instead of being distracted by their bodies. My take on it is, why is it a woman's responsibility alone? Why isn't it a man's responsibility to control himself and behave professionally? Isn't this one tiny step away from victim-blaming for rapes and assaults?? And hey, don't women sometimes have the lusty thoughts too? Why aren't men covering up and dressing modestly too? Don't WE get to have sexual desires?!?
That's usually the point where I get all RELIGION POISONS EVERYTHING!!! and have to take a break! So in hopes of avoiding that with my daughter, I'm trying to think ahead a little bit, anticipate the conversation, and give some thought to how I might explain it honestly, without getting all Hitchensy on her. She's only five; it might be a little much for right now. :)
She was in preschool for the last few years, but her kindergarten is very different. Her preschool was pretty homogenous - some racial diversity, a few same-sex parents, but overall solidly middle- to upper-middle-class families. Most families had a parent (or two, even!) who was a professional of some sort (doctor, lawyer, engineer, etc.); many had a parent who didn't work outside the home. These were kids whose parents went to college, and who'd be going to college themselves. This isn't a fault of the school - we loved it. It just wasn't a very diverse community in that respect.
Her current school is completely different. Where the preschool was small (maybe 150 kids, prek-6th), her current school is large (almost 900 kids, k-8). More than 20% of the students are English language learners, who speak Spanish, Hmong, and Oromo in their homes. White students (like my daughter) make up less than 50% of the student body.
I am very happy that we're part of such a diverse school community. After all, if I wanted my kids to grow up with people who looked exactly like them, we'd move to the suburbs or something instead of living in the middle of a city. I myself grew up in a small town where "ethnic diversity" was Germans, Italians, Swedes, and Czechs, and I am glad that my children will have the exposure to diversity that I did not.
The only thing that I'm not looking forward to discussing is (you guessed it!) - religious expression. There's a fairly large number of Somali students at this school, who are mostly Muslim. The boys don't generally dress any differently, but the girls I've noticed tend to dress conservatively. Long sleeves, long skirts, and headscarves.
Although we've discussed religion before with our girls (in broad terms, when asked questions like "what's a church?"), religious expressions like Muslim headscarves haven't come up. I'm not sure how I'll explain it, if asked, given my own feelings on the subject, which are colored by the explanation I've heard from a former colleague who's Muslim: women dress modestly so that men will take them seriously, listening to their thoughts and words instead of being distracted by their bodies. My take on it is, why is it a woman's responsibility alone? Why isn't it a man's responsibility to control himself and behave professionally? Isn't this one tiny step away from victim-blaming for rapes and assaults?? And hey, don't women sometimes have the lusty thoughts too? Why aren't men covering up and dressing modestly too? Don't WE get to have sexual desires?!?
That's usually the point where I get all RELIGION POISONS EVERYTHING!!! and have to take a break! So in hopes of avoiding that with my daughter, I'm trying to think ahead a little bit, anticipate the conversation, and give some thought to how I might explain it honestly, without getting all Hitchensy on her. She's only five; it might be a little much for right now. :)
Monday, September 3, 2012
Religion & mental illness
Yesterday while my husband and I were talking, our conversation took a tangent that ended up with me telling him about a guy, C, I went to school with who didn't believe in mental illness. This came to light when a mutual friend of mine and C's, D, was struggling in school, due to school-related anxiety that manifested in an obsessive-compulsive type disorder. D told me that when he shared his diagnosis with C, C told him that he didn't believe in mental illness, and that D would be fine if he'd just "pull himself together." D was horribly offended and hurt; I was shocked that C would say that to D, even if he privately believed it.
C was (and probably still is; I haven't seen him in years) super, super conservative - Republican with a strong streak of Ayn Randian "no handouts, DIY" mentality. He also was (and probably still is) super, super religious. Catholic, if I recall correctly, not a Scientologist or any other group that thinks that psychology is a fraud.
Anyway, my husband was floored by this. Just floored. He asked, "Do you think it's because it's an invisible disability? I mean, you wouldn't tell someone in a wheelchair that they're just not trying hard enough to walk!" And I definitely think that's part of it - I have a friend with chronic fatigue who has had similar experiences, where people think she's just lazy or something. Take a nap and you'll be fine! Whereas oh, if only it were that easy. Depression is the same way. Come on, just stop crying and get off the floor! Everyone gets bummed out from time to time, you can't let it get to you. Yeah, and again... if only it were that easy.
I wondered out loud whether C's religious beliefs influenced his disbelief in mental illness. After all, if God is inerrant, and made each of us... then how do you explain the obvious, well, fuckups? Not just mental illness, but cystic fibrosis? Spina bifada? Etc. etc. etc.? It's probably easier just to deny the fuckups exist, at least in the case of the ones that are invisible, than to try to explain how an omnipotent and omnibenevolent God allows these things to happen.
Husband said that the typical Christian answer to that is to point at the story of Job, and to say that it's a test of one's faith. Most often, he said, the faith of the parent of a child born with whatever condition, which is a pretty awful way to look at a child, if you ask me - not as their own person, but as a vehicle for testing you.
All I could do at the end of the conversation was shake my head. How sad for a person to think that their child was deliberately inflicted with a terrible condition like CF, as a test of YOUR faith. And if your faith was stronger, perhaps the test wouldn't have been needed and your child could've been born healthy? I can't imagine the guilt. How horrible that must feel, to hold such a belief. And how do you see treatment? Do you alleviate your child's suffering, or do you think that if god intended it, then god can cure it? Down that road lies the rejection of science-based medicine in favor of prayer, which has led to much needless suffering and death.
I cannot for the life of me imagine how a person could look at their own child's suffering, believe it was intentionally caused, and still believe in a loving, all-powerful god. To my way of thinking, any being that would deliberately cause a child pain is more monster than god, and definitely not worthy of any worship.
Good thing no such creature exists, then.
C was (and probably still is; I haven't seen him in years) super, super conservative - Republican with a strong streak of Ayn Randian "no handouts, DIY" mentality. He also was (and probably still is) super, super religious. Catholic, if I recall correctly, not a Scientologist or any other group that thinks that psychology is a fraud.
Anyway, my husband was floored by this. Just floored. He asked, "Do you think it's because it's an invisible disability? I mean, you wouldn't tell someone in a wheelchair that they're just not trying hard enough to walk!" And I definitely think that's part of it - I have a friend with chronic fatigue who has had similar experiences, where people think she's just lazy or something. Take a nap and you'll be fine! Whereas oh, if only it were that easy. Depression is the same way. Come on, just stop crying and get off the floor! Everyone gets bummed out from time to time, you can't let it get to you. Yeah, and again... if only it were that easy.
I wondered out loud whether C's religious beliefs influenced his disbelief in mental illness. After all, if God is inerrant, and made each of us... then how do you explain the obvious, well, fuckups? Not just mental illness, but cystic fibrosis? Spina bifada? Etc. etc. etc.? It's probably easier just to deny the fuckups exist, at least in the case of the ones that are invisible, than to try to explain how an omnipotent and omnibenevolent God allows these things to happen.
Husband said that the typical Christian answer to that is to point at the story of Job, and to say that it's a test of one's faith. Most often, he said, the faith of the parent of a child born with whatever condition, which is a pretty awful way to look at a child, if you ask me - not as their own person, but as a vehicle for testing you.
All I could do at the end of the conversation was shake my head. How sad for a person to think that their child was deliberately inflicted with a terrible condition like CF, as a test of YOUR faith. And if your faith was stronger, perhaps the test wouldn't have been needed and your child could've been born healthy? I can't imagine the guilt. How horrible that must feel, to hold such a belief. And how do you see treatment? Do you alleviate your child's suffering, or do you think that if god intended it, then god can cure it? Down that road lies the rejection of science-based medicine in favor of prayer, which has led to much needless suffering and death.
I cannot for the life of me imagine how a person could look at their own child's suffering, believe it was intentionally caused, and still believe in a loving, all-powerful god. To my way of thinking, any being that would deliberately cause a child pain is more monster than god, and definitely not worthy of any worship.
Good thing no such creature exists, then.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Trip to the State Fair
My kids & I took our annual trip to the Minnesota State Fair this weekend. It was, as always, a glorious time: rides, food, animals, and lots and lots of people.
I just love the Fair!
Anyway, I came away with two observations, one positive and one negative, that I wanted to share here.
First, the thing I didn't like so much: somehow I never noticed before that right next to the Kidway (Midway, but with kids' rides) is a church. A church!! And not just one of those Lutheran dining halls that serves strong coffee and cheap breakfasts as a fundraiser; it's an actual church called Crossroads Chapel. Because we were there on Sunday morning (figured there'd be fewer crowds!), we passed right by one of what I now realize is one of several church services that take place on Sundays at the Fair.
I don't think this is a church/state separation problem - according to their website, the Fair is a quasi-state agency that hasn't received any public money or government appropriations since 1949. But still, ugh. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things... but not my favorite, anyway. My kids somehow didn't notice the activity tables set up outside, fortunately, because otherwise they would've wanted to stop by. It's right up there with the Tea Partiers who have balloons and candy. I kind of feel like a mean mama when I say No! You cannot have one of those balloons! But as long as we get stickers from the Democrats, they're happy in the end, and so am I. Hee hee.
But the coolest thing! We stopped by the Miracle of Birth center when a cow was in labor, and my older daughter was fascinated! I was surprised, because she'd been holding her nose and acting all squeamish through all the other animal barns we tried to tour. But this she wanted to see! We found seats on the bleachers and sat and watched the cow's labor for probably half an hour, while she peppered me with questions: What's that coming out now? Is she pooping him out? Why is she pooping? What does the baby eat when it's inside the mama? Does it hurt the baby to be born? Does it hurt the mama? Will it be cute when it comes out? Is that how I was born?!?
We haven't had much of a birds-and-bees talk, and this was a great way to get some of those questions asked and answered at her initiative. We talked about how some animals lay eggs, and other animals' babies are born alive, and I answered all the questions she asked (doing my best to keep it age-appropriate - honest answers, but not too complicated).
I was really proud of her for asking such good questions. It was an especially nice moment out of our lovely day.
I just love the Fair!
Anyway, I came away with two observations, one positive and one negative, that I wanted to share here.
First, the thing I didn't like so much: somehow I never noticed before that right next to the Kidway (Midway, but with kids' rides) is a church. A church!! And not just one of those Lutheran dining halls that serves strong coffee and cheap breakfasts as a fundraiser; it's an actual church called Crossroads Chapel. Because we were there on Sunday morning (figured there'd be fewer crowds!), we passed right by one of what I now realize is one of several church services that take place on Sundays at the Fair.
I don't think this is a church/state separation problem - according to their website, the Fair is a quasi-state agency that hasn't received any public money or government appropriations since 1949. But still, ugh. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things... but not my favorite, anyway. My kids somehow didn't notice the activity tables set up outside, fortunately, because otherwise they would've wanted to stop by. It's right up there with the Tea Partiers who have balloons and candy. I kind of feel like a mean mama when I say No! You cannot have one of those balloons! But as long as we get stickers from the Democrats, they're happy in the end, and so am I. Hee hee.
But the coolest thing! We stopped by the Miracle of Birth center when a cow was in labor, and my older daughter was fascinated! I was surprised, because she'd been holding her nose and acting all squeamish through all the other animal barns we tried to tour. But this she wanted to see! We found seats on the bleachers and sat and watched the cow's labor for probably half an hour, while she peppered me with questions: What's that coming out now? Is she pooping him out? Why is she pooping? What does the baby eat when it's inside the mama? Does it hurt the baby to be born? Does it hurt the mama? Will it be cute when it comes out? Is that how I was born?!?
We haven't had much of a birds-and-bees talk, and this was a great way to get some of those questions asked and answered at her initiative. We talked about how some animals lay eggs, and other animals' babies are born alive, and I answered all the questions she asked (doing my best to keep it age-appropriate - honest answers, but not too complicated).
I was really proud of her for asking such good questions. It was an especially nice moment out of our lovely day.
Friday, August 24, 2012
The anti-science anti-vax madness continues...
Because Donald Trump is, y'know, an expert on these things... from his Twitter feed:
Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) Massive combined inoculations to small children is the cause for big increase in autism....
Argh! What a way to start my Friday.
Hopefully nobody will take him seriously, right? Right, guys?
Sigh.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Soulemama, and why vaccines aren't a private decision.
So there's this mommyblogger called "Soulemama" - easy enough to find via Google; I'm not going to link to her here - who lives a charmed pastoral life in Maine. She 'unschools' her five kids, grows her own vegetables, sews their clothes, etc. etc. etc. You know the drill.
Recently, following a "pertussis party," all five of her kids came down with whooping cough. WHOOPING COUGH. You know, that incredibly dangerous disease that (in the words of the CDC) causes violent coughing spells so bad that children cannot breathe, leading to pneumonia, seizures, and even brain damage or death? And for which there is a vaccine? But which is making a comeback now, due to people who opt out of vaccines because they feel like they can treat diseases with homeopathy and natural remedies by rubbing garlic on their kids' feet?
ARGH! There's so much wrong with this situation that I don't know where to begin!! So I am going to stick with unpacking just one of the points that made me all ragey.
Soulemama never directly addresses whether or not her kids are vaccinated (I mean, obviously they aren't, because who would vaccinate their kids and then directly expose them to an infectious disease?!? We vaccinate because we want our kids to stay healthy!!), instead sidestepping the issue by saying (in the comments to her post): "if you read my post, never do I say that we did not vaccinate. I think that is entirely beside the point, completely personal, and only leads to finger pointing."
Head: asplode. Because actually? Whether or not you vaccinate your kids is not a completely personal decision. It's a question of PUBLIC HEALTH.
Not everyone can be vaccinated. People who are immuno-compromised, for instance, may not be able to tolerate the vaccine. Children under 2 months of age don't get the vaccine. And (as Soulemama points out, thinking it's a reason not to vaccinate) the vaccine isn't always 100% effective. That's why it's so important that EVERYONE vaccinate - to build the community (or herd) immunity.
If enough people are vaccinated, the spread of a disease becomes sufficiently unlikely that even those who can't be vaccinated, who aren't immune, are protected. But if people start opting out of vaccination... the community isn't immune. And these communicable diseases start making a comeback.
The website Science-Based Medicine has a nice explanation of herd immunity, and what happens when people start opting out, which I'll excerpt briefly:
So, in short: No, Soulemama, whether or not you vaccinate your kids isn't a "completely personal" decision. Maintaining community immunity against infectious, deadly diseases requires EVERYONE to vaccinate who can. This protects people whose vaccines didn't take or whose vaccines need a booster; it protects small babies and elderly folks and people who are immuno-compromised. It protects all of us.
So if keeping your own kids safe and healthy isn't enough of a motivation for you to vaccinate them (to which, as a parent, I must say WTF?!?) - fine. But then do it for my kids.
Recently, following a "pertussis party," all five of her kids came down with whooping cough. WHOOPING COUGH. You know, that incredibly dangerous disease that (in the words of the CDC) causes violent coughing spells so bad that children cannot breathe, leading to pneumonia, seizures, and even brain damage or death? And for which there is a vaccine? But which is making a comeback now, due to people who opt out of vaccines because they feel like they can treat diseases with homeopathy and natural remedies by rubbing garlic on their kids' feet?
ARGH! There's so much wrong with this situation that I don't know where to begin!! So I am going to stick with unpacking just one of the points that made me all ragey.
Soulemama never directly addresses whether or not her kids are vaccinated (I mean, obviously they aren't, because who would vaccinate their kids and then directly expose them to an infectious disease?!? We vaccinate because we want our kids to stay healthy!!), instead sidestepping the issue by saying (in the comments to her post): "if you read my post, never do I say that we did not vaccinate. I think that is entirely beside the point, completely personal, and only leads to finger pointing."
Head: asplode. Because actually? Whether or not you vaccinate your kids is not a completely personal decision. It's a question of PUBLIC HEALTH.
Not everyone can be vaccinated. People who are immuno-compromised, for instance, may not be able to tolerate the vaccine. Children under 2 months of age don't get the vaccine. And (as Soulemama points out, thinking it's a reason not to vaccinate) the vaccine isn't always 100% effective. That's why it's so important that EVERYONE vaccinate - to build the community (or herd) immunity.
If enough people are vaccinated, the spread of a disease becomes sufficiently unlikely that even those who can't be vaccinated, who aren't immune, are protected. But if people start opting out of vaccination... the community isn't immune. And these communicable diseases start making a comeback.
The website Science-Based Medicine has a nice explanation of herd immunity, and what happens when people start opting out, which I'll excerpt briefly:
Published in Pediatrics this month is a paper that looked at the effect of vaccine refusers on laboratory confirmed (PCR or cultures) pertussis in Colorado (13). They had 158 cases of pertussis in the Kaiser system between 1996 and 2007.Infected children were significantly more likely to have parents who refused vaccinations (11.5%) than the controls (0.5%). The difference translated to a 22.8-fold increased risk of pertussis in the unvaccinated children.At the time in Colorado, vaccination refusal was less than 1%, but they accounted for 11% of the cases of pertussis. That’s not surprising. With a bacterial disease like pertussis, a small slip in the vaccine rate can lead to a big jump in disease.The vaccine is not 100%. So there will be cases in vaccinated children as well. What is striking is ALL the cases in the unvaccinated group could be attributed to not having the vaccine.
So, in short: No, Soulemama, whether or not you vaccinate your kids isn't a "completely personal" decision. Maintaining community immunity against infectious, deadly diseases requires EVERYONE to vaccinate who can. This protects people whose vaccines didn't take or whose vaccines need a booster; it protects small babies and elderly folks and people who are immuno-compromised. It protects all of us.
So if keeping your own kids safe and healthy isn't enough of a motivation for you to vaccinate them (to which, as a parent, I must say WTF?!?) - fine. But then do it for my kids.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Welcome to the blog
I created this blog a while ago, but haven't gotten around to posting at it. It's funny; for the longest time I thought and thought about all the different things I would write here, and then when I finally got around to creating this - bam! My inspiration all dried up.
So as I wrote in my "about me" post, I'm the mother of two kids. I'm an atheist, but also a freethinker - an "Atheist plus" as it's being defined over at Freethought Blogs! What that means is that I do my best to apply my skepticism and rational thinking not just to religion, but to all areas of life. This leads me to feminism; anti-racism; anti-homophobia... basically, a belief in human equality, and that all these issues are just as important as your more 'traditional' skeptic/atheist concerns. Because whether or not someone believes in Bigfoot doesn't really affect my life or the lives of those I love quite as much as someone does who's trying to limit access to affordable birth control, or get marriage discrimination written into our state Constitution.
Because I'm a parent, I'm trying to raise my kids in that light. I'm also interested in secular issues that do and will affect them - for instance, separation of church and state, especially in public schools.
And of course, I have the sort of typical parenting concerns that anyone has who's trying to raise healthy, happy, freethinking kids (girls, to boot!) in a society that's all to often affected by the worst influences of religion.
Anyway, I certainly don't pretend to have any answers! My hope is that I can find other parents who are on this journey - either starting out, or further down the road than I am - to share thoughts, ideas, tough times, and triumphs.
Thanks for reading!
So as I wrote in my "about me" post, I'm the mother of two kids. I'm an atheist, but also a freethinker - an "Atheist plus" as it's being defined over at Freethought Blogs! What that means is that I do my best to apply my skepticism and rational thinking not just to religion, but to all areas of life. This leads me to feminism; anti-racism; anti-homophobia... basically, a belief in human equality, and that all these issues are just as important as your more 'traditional' skeptic/atheist concerns. Because whether or not someone believes in Bigfoot doesn't really affect my life or the lives of those I love quite as much as someone does who's trying to limit access to affordable birth control, or get marriage discrimination written into our state Constitution.
Because I'm a parent, I'm trying to raise my kids in that light. I'm also interested in secular issues that do and will affect them - for instance, separation of church and state, especially in public schools.
And of course, I have the sort of typical parenting concerns that anyone has who's trying to raise healthy, happy, freethinking kids (girls, to boot!) in a society that's all to often affected by the worst influences of religion.
Anyway, I certainly don't pretend to have any answers! My hope is that I can find other parents who are on this journey - either starting out, or further down the road than I am - to share thoughts, ideas, tough times, and triumphs.
Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
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