Parenting books

I thought I'd give some short reviews of pregnancy and parenting books I've read, recently and not-so-recently. (All links are to amazon.com, but aren't affiliate links... no referrals or kickbacks here!). There are so many books out there aimed at parents and parents-to-be; as with so many things it can be hard to wade through the woo to find information that's actually worthwhile!

Please note: I'm a parent, not a doctor. These are just my opinions. Please share yours in the comments!

Pregnancy:

What to Expect When You're Expecting: This is the classic pregnancy book. It's been around for years and years, and is probably one of the more popular books out there, if my parent friends are anything to judge by. It tracks the fetal development on a month-by-month basis, and is pretty thorough. Unfortunately, it also tracks the potential developmental mishaps and errors month-by-month, too. I also remember it being very prescriptive about the right way to do things - the right pregnancy diet, the right amount of exercise, etc. I had an earlier edition, so perhaps this has gotten better in later editions. Overall, I found it informative, but also irritiating and anxiety-provoking.

If you don't get a copy at your baby shower, you can probably either borrow it from a friend or find it used. I don't know if I'd buy it new.

Your Pregnancy Week by Week: Similar to What to Expect, but on a weekly basis instead of monthly. More emphasis on fetal development (yay!). I enjoyed reading this one weekly. I remember this one being less prescriptive and lighter in tone than WTEWYE.

For what it's worth, it's been years since I read either of those. I only read pregnancy books during my first pregnancy. During my second pregnancy, when I already had a toddler running around, there just wasn't as much time for gazing at my ever-expanding navel.

Infancy:

The Nursing Mother's Companion: I mostly read this one while I was nursing. It was useful for figuring out different holds when the baby would get fussy. I had a pretty easy time with breastfeeding, though, so I probably didn't need it. I had friends who really struggled to get breastfeeding going, though, and found it useful. Secondhand anecdata, for what it's worth!

The Dr. Sears Baby Book: hoo boy. This one was a gift from a friend with an older child, who's VERY into attachment parenting ("AP"). If you're not familiar with the term, the book's blurb describes AP as "a gentle, reasonable approach to parenting that stresses bonding with your baby, responding to her cues, breastfeeding, "wearing" your baby, and sharing sleep with your child." The blurb also says that "the Searses acknowledge that there is no one way to parent a baby," but that wasn't my experience with this book. My husband and I read it, internalized it, and then felt like failures when our daughter was clearly Not. Happy. with some of the AP practices we were trying to follow. Plus, hello! I am the primary wage-earner in our family; I couldn't wear the baby in a wrap and breastfeed on demand all day long; I had to go to work.

There's some good medical information here (like medicine dosages and the like), but it's mixed in with a healthy dose of working-parent guilt. Take it with a grain of salt.

Baby 411: LOVED this book! Very informative, very easy to use, written by a pediatrician (hooray!). My favorite section was in the back: a list of common ailments/issues, like fever, animal bites, rash, vomiting, etc. Each lists symptoms broken out into three categories: 1. watch/wait, 2. see the pediatrician tomorrow, or 3. go to urgent care/E.R. Super, super useful. I highly recommend this one.

Older Kids:

Louise Bates Ames' series (Your Two Year Old, Your Three Year Old, etc.): I like these books. They're short and sweet, and describe the 'typical' developmental milestones that take place, year by year. Plus, they have some hilariously apt titles. My favorite is Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy, which may seem harsh if you don't know any three year olds. :)

The Whole Brain Child: subtitled "12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind," this book is FANTASTIC. Written by a neuropsychiatrist, it's probably one of the best developmental books I've read. It takes the ideas in Thinking, Fast and Slow, simplifies them, and applies them to parenting. I highly recommend this book. It's useful for both understanding and parenting your child, helping your child understand herself, and understanding yourself as well. Seriously, all the thumbs are up for this book.

Parenting from the Inside Out: by the same author as The Whole Brain Child, I actually didn't like this one quite as much. It falls more into the self-help category - it's aimed at parents, but with the idea of understanding yourself better so as to be a better parent. Which is not to say that it's a bad goal! I just wasn't expecting a self-help book in the guise of a parenting book, you know? Solid advice, though.

Freeing Your Child From Anxiety: Finally, one of my new ZOMG THIS IS THE MOST USEFUL books. One of my children has some anxiety issues, and this has been really helpful for me.

The author (Dr. Tamar Chansky) is a licensed psychologist and the founder of the Children's and Adults' Center for OCD and Anxiety. She gives useful information that parents can use to determine whether or not their child's anxiety is normal, and provides tools parents can use to help their child overcome that anxiety. She also discusses treatments such as CBT and medication, and when they're effective and when they are not. The information is presented clearly and non-judgmentally, and is easily accessible even to a layperson like me. Really, really great stuff here.

So! Those are some of the parenting books I've read. Let me know your thoughts on these, and any of your other favorites or not-so-favorites!

Your Health Care Needs Are Met.

Spotted this sign on the way to work this morning...

It reads: "Your health care needs are met here! ***Science & Health***  Quickly, clean, affordable, safe, lasting - customed to your life!"

I'm sure you're wondering where this was - a doctor's office? Pharmacy? Clinic? No...

This was in the window of a Christian Science Reading Room. Oh, Christian Science, with your wacky tales of people who prayed away their underbites without orthodontia.

If only your followers didn't refuse to treat their children's illnesses, allowing needless suffering and death. It'd almost be sweet, this faith in the power of prayer.

Yeah, too bad.

Religion & mental illness

Yesterday while my husband and I were talking, our conversation took a tangent that ended up with me telling him about a guy, C, I went to school with who didn't believe in mental illness. This came to light when a mutual friend of mine and C's, D, was struggling in school, due to school-related anxiety that manifested in an obsessive-compulsive type disorder. D told me that when he shared his diagnosis with C, C told him that he didn't believe in mental illness, and that D would be fine if he'd just "pull himself together." D was horribly offended and hurt; I was shocked that C would say that to D, even if he privately believed it.

C was (and probably still is; I haven't seen him in years) super, super conservative - Republican with a strong streak of Ayn Randian "no handouts, DIY" mentality. He also was (and probably still is) super, super religious. Catholic, if I recall correctly, not a Scientologist or any other group that thinks that psychology is a fraud.

 Anyway, my husband was floored by this. Just floored. He asked, "Do you think it's because it's an invisible disability? I mean, you wouldn't tell someone in a wheelchair that they're just not trying hard enough to walk!" And I definitely think that's part of it - I have a friend with chronic fatigue who has had similar experiences, where people think she's just lazy or something. Take a nap and you'll be fine! Whereas oh, if only it were that easy. Depression is the same way. Come on, just stop crying and get off the floor! Everyone gets bummed out from time to time, you can't let it get to you. Yeah, and again... if only it were that easy.

I wondered out loud whether C's religious beliefs influenced his disbelief in mental illness. After all, if God is inerrant, and made each of us... then how do you explain the obvious, well, fuckups? Not just mental illness, but cystic fibrosis? Spina bifada? Etc. etc. etc.? It's probably easier just to deny the fuckups exist, at least in the case of the ones that are invisible, than to try to explain how an omnipotent and omnibenevolent God allows these things to happen.

Husband said that the typical Christian answer to that is to point at the story of Job, and to say that it's a test of one's faith. Most often, he said, the faith of the parent of a child born with whatever condition, which is a pretty awful way to look at a child, if you ask me - not as their own person, but as a vehicle for testing you.

All I could do at the end of the conversation was shake my head. How sad for a person to think that their child was deliberately inflicted with a terrible condition like CF, as a test of YOUR faith. And if your faith was stronger, perhaps the test wouldn't have been needed and your child could've been born healthy? I can't imagine the guilt. How horrible that must feel, to hold such a belief. And how do you see treatment? Do you alleviate your child's suffering, or do you think that if god intended it, then god can cure it? Down that road lies the rejection of science-based medicine in favor of prayer, which has led to much needless suffering and death.

I cannot for the life of me imagine how a person could look at their own child's suffering, believe it was intentionally caused, and still believe in a loving, all-powerful god. To my way of thinking, any being that would deliberately cause a child pain is more monster than god, and definitely not worthy of any worship.

 Good thing no such creature exists, then.